i'm sitting outside starbucks (as always), sipping on a iced quad venti sugar-free hazelnut latte (keep the 2%, please) with a pack of parliaments (gasp!). the latter is not my usual. i'm a camel lights girl, but for some reason i found myself branching out as a picked up the latest pack to feed my habit. oddly enough, this has sparked a whole train of thought on change and the changes that are going on in my life at the moment.
let's face it: i'm a little bit obsessive compulsive. i have a very specific routine for about 95% of what i do. i have a wake-up routine, a nighttime routine, a study-at-starbucks routine. that's not to say that i don't branch out or that i'm afraid to, i just have my comfort zone and i like it. lately, my comfort zone has morphed into something that's almost hazardous. i am becoming all too comfortable doing things that aren't necessarily bad, but they're certainly not doing me any good. i've closed off my heart and have taken pride in being "invincible." i don't really cry anymore, i don't really trust anymore, nothing gets to me, everything rolls off my shoulders. but hey, i'm mallory. i'm tough. it's cool and it's who i've become. right?
no. that's not cool and it's not what i am. and just because it's become habitual doesn't make it any better. in fact, i'd venture to say it makes it worse. not loving, not trusting, not committing; those things are not things that i should do without thought. those are things that should bother the very core of my being. i am made to love. i am made to trust and be trusted. i feel that God has imbedded me in the desire to be someone's mate, to be someone that trusts and can easily be trusted. so why am i steering away from these things? has it been a conscious effort, or just something that has slowly happened over time? i don't know why i'm asking you. hell, i don't know, either. maybe it's the hope that one of the three people who's eyes land upon this entry (two of them likely being my parents, in which case i'm sorry about the cigs) is going through the same thing and maybe it'll spark some thoughts of change in your own life.
i think recognizing these things is a really good step for me. i feel like i am ready to be me again. i think i'm ready to trust (and get hurt, by default). i know i'm ready to love. and i want more than anything to meet someone that i can commit to. so, that's all a good start.
this is gibberish. not sure why i'm posting it.
mal.
